“Va-ethannan is Spiderman’s Parsha”

Va-ethannan 5776/ 20 August 2016

First let me start with my disclaimer… I am not a rabbi, scholar or academic psychologist.  I enjoy spinning what I read and hear into new, and sometimes not so new, ideas.  I can’t site all my sources or verses, and if Michelle Obama gave a drash, I wouldn’t have a problem pulling from her text.  With that said, I found so much and heard so much that I could speak about in this parsha, not to mention that this is Shabbat Nahamu, the Shabbat of consolation after Tisha B’av.

However, HP Baker reminded me when we were at Camp Ramah together that in the past I uncovered the biblical origins of Batman and Buzz Lightyear.  He felt I owed it to BZBI to speak about similar subject matter in Va-ethannan.   So here we go…

Va-ethannan is Spiderman’s parsha. Most of you know Spiderman as the web slinging, emotionally conflicted, crime fighter.  However, his alter-ego Peter Parker is also known for his famous quote — “With great power comes great responsibility. “

Moshe Rabanu—Moses, our teacher, now stands on the verge of entering Israel, the Promised Land.  He knows that God has forbidden him from going beyond the Jordan into the Land of Israel.  He pleads with God to let him go into the land, not just for his own glory, but also because he is concerned about his people.  Arguably, he has a point ….. the punishment does not seem to fit the crime—Yes, he hit the rock out of anger and frustration, but his intentions were pure—he needed to get water for his people.  However, Moses was no ordinary servant—With great power came great responsibility.  He had to set the example for all of the people, which meant that he was held to the highest of standards.

Despite his frustration, he composes himself and resumes teaching…… He exhorts the people to remember from where they came—“the iron crucible that was Egypt,”  and  never to forget the “Holy Hand” that sprung them and stood by them.  He reminds them of how the law was presented to them “on the mountain”, “out of the fire” and that they must not forget the “covenant that God made with them”.  He warns them of the temptations they may encounter in the new land, and the consequences of straying from the path that God has shown them.

He then reviews the 10 Commandments….

The first tablet of 5 commandments seem to be focused on conduct of Man to God.  The second Tablet states 5 commandments for man’s conduct with other people.

One midrash notes that when the other nations heard the commandments, they were initially very unimpressed, claiming that “God gave all these commandments for His own honor.”

1. I am God Your Lord…. “Is there a King who does not want his people to say his is not the king?”
2. You should not have any gods before me — “What king wants competition?”
3.  Do not take the lord name in vain.  —“What kind of king wants people to swear falsely by his name?”
4. Observe the Sabbath and keep it holy— “What king does not want the people to make a festival on the day of his coronation?”

But then came the 5th commandment—

        “Honor your father and mother as the God your lord has commanded you.” — The other nations said: “According to our customs, when a person becomes a servant of the king, he no longer thinks about his parents.  Here, however, we see that God commanded his people to honor their parents.  He is more concerned with parental honor than with His own honor!”

Not only was this NOT self-serving, but it seemed out of place!  How is this 5th commandment directing conduct between Man and God—Seemingly the common thread of the 1st tablet- the first 5 commandments?

Sages claim………….

The positioning of this commandment holds one of the most important lesson of the Decalogue.  The Sabbath is one of our main ways to create space for God in our busy lives.   Honoring your mother and father, who are our connection to the past, is pivotal to creating the Holy space and remembering all of the traditions and laws.

Another, more compelling explanation of the positioning of the 5th commandment is that in the eyes of young children, parents are god-like.  We all have memories of the threat—whether in school, or camp— “If you don’t behave, I’m going to have to call your parents”.  It instills a purely irrational fear—parents are a source of security and comfort, unlikely in most circumstances to inflict serious harm.  But as if we are filled with the fear and awe of G-d, we think about the actualization of this threat.

This 5th commandment’s location on the first tablet has another implication.  By putting this commandment on the first tablet, the Torah implies that parenting is a very great responsibility, perhaps greater than any of the demands on the second tablet.  The obligation to “honor” cannot fall entirely on the children. Parents must parent in a way that warrants – First Tablet — “God-Like” — honor.  This is where Spiderman speaks to us —“With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility“

We call God – Avinu Malcanu—our God, our Father.   These are daunting metaphorical footsteps to fill.   Of course, can never fully fill them—to claim this level of perfection in parenting would be tantamount to idolatry.  We cannot be God.  But, we can look to the text and the ways of God as an example of aspirational parenting.

Modern psychology describes 4 main parenting styles defined by varying levels of control and warmth:  Permissive, Uninvolved, Authoritarian, and Authoritative.  Pop psychology mentions 2 more styles—Helicopter and Snow-Plow.

The permissive parent may be very warm, but is undemanding. They are indulgent and do not like to ever say “no”.  Rules are not really rules. As a result, this style leads to egocentrism, poor self-control, and often poor self-esteem as the demands of life far exceed the demands that the parents put on their children.

The Uninvolved, or neglectful parent is neither warm nor controlling.  They minimize interaction time, and act indifferent to the whereabouts and needs of their children. These parents may be overwhelmed by their circumstances or simply too self-centered.  The outcome tends to be adolescents and adults who have difficulty with self-regulation, behave similarly to their parents, and have deep seated insecurities.

The Authoritarian parent displays little love and warmth and is highly controlling.  They are strict disciplinarians; rarely consider the circumstances or developmental challenges of their child; and rarely consider the input of their child.  “You will do this because I said so” is their mantra.  No questioning. No discussion.  Children subjected to this may become rebellious or dependent.

Both the “Snow-Plow” and “Helicopter” parenting styles combine authoritarian and permissive styles mixed with lack of trust in their child.   Despite research demonstrating that resilience and good self-esteem depend on combining successes with challenges and failures in life, “helicopter parents” and “Snow-Plow parents” are always afraid that their children will injure themselves, become overwhelmed with frustration, or even worse, experience morale crushing failures.  They hover around them, in the case of “Helicopter Parents” or push all obstacles out of their way, in the case of “Snow-Plow Parents” leaving them entirely unprepared for the future challenges that inevitably accompany growing up and which enrich life.

The preferred style—Authoritative Parenting– demands love, warmth, and control.   This style encourages independence while maintaining limits and control.  Authoritative parents engage in discussion and debates with their children, but ultimately set firm limits.  Children raised primarily with this style, even though circumstances sometimes dictate a fall back to other styles, grow to be more socially competent, responsible and autonomous.

So, what kind of parent is Avinu Malcanu—our Father, our King.  In other words, what are the standards to which we as parents are being held accountable with the inclusion of “honor thy mother and father” on the first tablet?

We have to start with a description. Exodus Chapter 34, verse 6-7, form the basis of the 13 attributes we recite on Rosh Hashanah and the Pilgrimage Festivals, Sukkot, Shavuot and Pesach.

This is a description of warmth and control.  Clearly not the Authoritarian, Permissive, or Uninvolved parent.

Next, we can look for examples that Avinu Malcanu sets for us in the bible.  

After Adam partakes of the forbidden fruit—God does not punish immediately, but says “Where are you?” He asks Adam to reflect on what he has done before punishing him.

Even though He could simply wipe out all humanity instantaneously, God instructs Noah to make a giant arc for all to see, giving an opportunity for repentance before destruction.

God allows Abraham to “argue” with him over Sodom and Gomorah. And, He even listens to Him!  

When God makes seemingly irrational and self-serving requests, He reconsiders.  As Abraham prepares to sacrifice Isaac, God intervenes and sends the ram.

When Jacob leaves Laban, he has to fend for himself, and devise his own plan for leaving. He may be the son of a “permissive” mother, but God does not let him forget his past and lose accountability—He must wrestle with God’s angel and then head out to face his brother alone. But, he now feels secure knowing that God has confidence in him.  

When the people leave Egypt, God is with them, splitting the Red Sea, providing Manna, but letting them err as they confront their new independence.

He provides them with a foundation of “goodness” – The Torah—and holds them accountable when they ignore it.

As they construct the Golden Calf, God is aware and sends Moses to discipline.  But, even in His anger, He still hears Moses’s plea.

When Korach encourages straying from the structure God set forth and the law He has ordained, God clearly says NO.  

Avinu Malcanu, the God of the bible, is neither overly permissive or overly controlling.  He is forgiving, but parents with clear consequences. He is far from uninvolved, permissive, or authoritarian.  He is not always hovering like a “helicopter parent”, but allows free will.   And clearly, He is not “snow plowing.” Obstacles from which the people must learn abound in every chapter.

So back to Moshe Rabenu—Moshe, our Teacher.   He is both our teacher and a father figure.  By forbidding him from entering the land of Israel, for seemingly a fairly innocuous offense, God could be perceived as Authoritarian, even if Moshe needs to be held to the highest of standards.   That is unless God has another purpose for refusing to let Moshe enter the land.

One of the hardest lessons for all parents to learn is that perfection, even in your most important role in life, is unattainable. No one can understand everything that someone else needs to develop, nor carry out everything that you hope to do for someone else.  The task is always left incomplete.  For this we have to depend on others.   As it says in Pirkei Avot – “It is not for us to complete the task, but neither to desist from it.”  Moses has done all that he can.  He has used his great power responsibly.   In his role as a father figure, God acknowledges that he has been worthy of the 5th commandment’s location on the first tablet.    He has parented, and he has been honored.  Now he embodies the final lesson—No parent can complete the task—the future of the people and perpetuation of the tradition rests in the hands of the children.

Tags: Parenting, Responsiblity, Va-ethannan